No, the Cryolympics isn’t a discussion of the possibilities of freezing people and/or artifacts from the ’12 Olympics for re-animation in 4022 or whatever. Although, that IS a cool idea. Literally. I’ll write it in my Rolodex for future use. What this IS is an analysis of the crying prospects of the two male finalists and the two male bronze medal match participants in the Olymblahdon tournament, hereafter referred to as the Crylymblahdon. I will begin with a table. Then, there will be a graph. Finally…I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.
To the table!
|Player||Crybaby Classification||If he wins tomorrow…||If he loses tomorrow…|
|Roger||Highest order of the crybaby (AO ’09)||Uncontrollable sobbing||Blinking back tears; attempting to be stoic but failing miserably|
|Andy||Highest order of the crybaby (too numerous to list)||Uncontrollable sobbing||Uncontrollable sobbing|
|Novak||Medium order of the crybaby (Olympics ’08, Davis Cup ’11)||Glassy eyes, one tear escaping down his cheek, for dramatic effect||Big “gracious” smile at first; moodily staring into distance later|
|DelPo||Highest order of the crybaby (too numerous to list)||Uncontrollable sobbing||Uncontrollable sobbing|
Finally…well, finally, I have to say, Muzz’s “plan” for tomorrow–“I want to beat him this time, and that’s the plan”–if that is in fact his plan, all but guarantees him the dark blue bar. You know how most of the time people say famous people should never Google themselves because it will just make them feel bad about themselves? I believe the opposite is true for Murray. He needs to Google himself. And he needs to read the plans put forth by journos and fans in various places, because some of them are actually really good and he should consider following them rather than his oft-tried, oft-failed-at “just win” strategy. I also have to say that if Murray does somehow miraculously win, I don’t want to hear any of this, “this feels as good as a Major!” business, or even worse, “this is BETTER than a Major, because it’s for my country!” Because a.) Murray can’t speak to how an Olympic gold compares to a Major, because he’s never won a Major and b.) LOOK. Winning an Olympic gold, in any sport, is a wonderful accomplishment. HOWEVERS. In tennis, winning a Major is still the real “gold” standard. The Olympics is five best of three rounds, followed by a best of five final. A Major is seven best of five rounds. So it’s pretty much delusional for anyone to claim that winning an Olympic gold is as prestigious as winning a Major in tennis. It’s not. MOREOVER. Andy Murray’s (and, incidentally, Andy Roddick’s) recent claim that an Olympic gold is super-special because everyone in all of sport knows what it means is just wrong/irrelevant to tennis. Like, if you were to tell someone you were a professional tennis player and then said, “Yeah, I won the Olympic gold,” they’d probably be like, “Oh, you play another sport?! Which one?”, i.e. most people still are unaware that tennis is even at the Olympics and most people, even really casual general sports fans, know that tennis = Wimbledon and/or the USO, at the very least. So yeah. It’s not the same as like, a runner or swimmer or even a rower or an archer saying that, and tennis players need to stop pretending like it is. Tennis exists on a different plane than other sports, has its own tour and its own set of historical and extremely prestigious tournaments played four times every year and so for tennis players to act as if Olympic gold is the highest achievement in the sport is false and a little bit greedy and almost disrespectful to the athletes who do literally only have this one opportunity to prove themselves. Obviously, for Andy to win this tournament, in front of his home crowd, would be a great moment, and it’s certainly a significant achievement. But it’s not career-making. Well, unless it is. Which would actually be a bad thing for him. Now, am I trying to preemptively rain on Muzz’s parade, if he in fact has a paradeish outcome? I am. This is due to the fact that in general, I prefer no one to be happy if Rafa isn’t happy. A completely reasonable stance, in my opinion.